An Ode to our first kiss

I struggled to find a title for this piece because I don't know what to call this situation, sitting in an office all the way across the world 9 years later and still feeling guilty. I feel more loss than guilt. I only have immaturity to blame. Just youth and inexperience, and maybe a little pride.

So here I am on a rainy day on an island in the East Pacific, listening to Des'rees' "I'm kissing you" and all I can think of is you. My stomach knots up just like that day we broke up and  I want to be sick again. Because now I realize how it all falls into place.

How insignificant is a school girl crush on a school boy who fades into the background always?

And she, for five years, falling with you, fading and dissapearing into the wonder of your world because for her, that was all the light she needed.

I asked you to take of your glasses and you did.

I asked you to unveil your soul to me and you did so, both times without restraint or hesitation.

And, peering in I spent a number of days and weeks and months just splashing around in a deep pool of wonder.

We were children, never lost, just discovering a world of our own.

And then one day you wrote me poetry.

Your words challenged me.

I was not ready to drown.

This is an ode to our first kiss, the one that never happened.

I realize that I am still that child. I'm still that child but now I'm ready to drown. I've been ready to drown for years but now its too late.

I still have your poetry.

Where are you now?

And just like Des'ree, out here today I am kissing you.

If my heart is honest, my heart has kissed every thought of you since that day I walked away.

Caressed it gently and held it tight. Gazed into the moments that we spent in conversation with the teacher interrupting us to make us do algorithms we didn't care about. While we waded the shores of consciousness, entering unexplored territories together we embraced more than most teenagers would at our age. Our hears were bonding long before we became a couple.

So if I bow out of the earth today I want you to know that I have loved you. That may not mean much now but save  the thought under the filename: high school, and reference it to the girl who upon meeting you boldly walked all the way to the front of the line and asked you to take off your glasses just to see YOU. 

And know  that that was my truth.

Des'ree- I'm Kissing You 

   

  Pride can stand

A thousand Trials

The strong will never fall

But watching stars without You

My soul cried

Heaving hard is full of pain

Oh, oh, the aching

'Cos I'm kissing you, oh

I'm kissing you

Touch me deep

Pure and true

Gift to me forever

'Cos I'm kissing you, oh

I'm kissing you

Yeah hey

Yeah

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

'Cos I'm kissing you

I'm kissing you, ohh