Messages to the fallen (2018)

Lee!
We were young. You were too young. You dont belong on this list big I can never leave you out because I still bleed for you.

Carole
I'm still baffled about all the things I wanted to say that I never got to say. I hold you so close, I'm never going to let a good friend slip by like that again. I'm sorry. I think about you all the time. I hope in the space of silence between us you had found love and that it was good to you.

Zithelo
I wish we could laugh about how complicated things got between us, and all for what? It was stupid. We were stupid. Remember sitting at res paging through the Bible trying to find verses to debate with your friends about? It was so random. How we starved because we were broke but it was OK because we had humor. Without you I wouldn't have met one of the greatest loves I've ever known. Without you a whole world of things would've never been revealed to me. And you prospered while you were here despite your troubles. I never told you how proud I was of you and for that I am sorry.

Thembeka
I didn't know you too well but you were always sweet to me. Do you know that sometimes that's all it takes? I miss your smile and your giggles. Be at peace, angel.

Musa
Just yesterday we were sitting at the car wash talking mundane things about life. Just yesterday you were a big brother to me when you found me drunk with some friends in a not so friendly area and you offered me a lift home and you kept an eye on me. Just yesterday my brother was shouting your name across the fence so you could come out and talk to him. It's weird how things change in the blink of an eye.

Aunt Za
Do you know that dad had a stroke the same week you left? He was too shaken and I know why. Nobody laughs as heartily as you. Nobody has fun the way you knew how to. Nobody can be as genuine as you were and throw deuces to the things that hurt with the boldness that you did. Nobody will listen with the intent of caring and comforting and non judgment the way that you did. The babies still need your tough hand. But you have shown them the direction and you have set the pace. We thank you.

Khanyo
Mkantshi! I was hoping you would be Oprah one day. It was your calling. I still don't know how or why. It was never your time. Remember that time we sat talking about Aunt N and her drinking habit and laughing at the efforts she made to hide it when everyone already knew. And the time you told me about boys and I didn't believe you? Remember how you taught me to fight bad dreams the way grandma taught you? And then your first baby boy. You were such a natural mom. I'm sorry.

2018 showed me flames. Soon I will become the fire.

Siphiwe-- The gift we are given

On the day do your funeral I was besides myself with grief. I'm not sure if it was for you or for me.

I sat at the church holding in a lot of envy for you. I wanted to trade places. I still envy you. It took everything inside me to walk and nod at my sisters enquisition to my being ok, and not fall apart.

I hate hymns. I hate them because they are not for me. I hate them because I can't utter a sound for you or me or anyone else without breaking, voice first and then a flood of myself pouring out in front of me so that it feels like the world is watching and I'm embarrassing myself. I hate not being able to contain myself.

I don't know where the me I knew went. She seems like a ghost hanging over the stratosphere begging me to off myself so I can join her.

I look at your life and wish that I had known you a little more, spent a little more time watching you live so lively like you did, fighting till the very end. You were indeed a gift but not only to your mother or your family. You were a gift to me to.

The last time we met I had Azola in my belly. It was early days of my pregnancy and you didn't even know. Most people didn't. I know you wanted to meet her. It's hard to believe you're gone. Every time I go on Instagram it feels like I'm going to find your comments on my pictures and I'm going to peruse through your adventures and admire you for your sense of adventure and zest for everything the lord has made.

The lord made You and I am grateful for that. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss how carefree you were and I miss your beauty.

I love you forever Nkule.