Your Words

Your words

You threw them at me like missiles trying to destroy me. 

At first I ducked them, watched them fly past me determined not to let them touch me or hurt me in any way.

I threw back my own missiles that landed on your head like bombs made to destroy you.

I dived, I fought back, I told you the truth you'd been asking to hear. But your words...they confused me. They amused me. I wasn't sure why they were there or what you wanted me to do with them. 

So I ran back to fetch them and wrapped each one in the softness of my heartstrings, the ones you'd so gently snapped into a million strands as I softly came behind you weaving them into a blanket I could put on my back to break the wind that flowed in when you left that door open on your way out.

I cuddled your words and protected them. I traveled with them. Barefoot and naked I shielded them and let myself to the elements because I had to deliver them untainted, pure and hot as they were.

I took them to the one who carries my heart. I placed them at his feet as I kneeled down. I lay them there like an offering. I kissed his feet and I offered your words to the one who would know what to do with them.

"You gullible fat idiot bitch! " 

He has them now. Your gift to me is with the king. 

untitled

There are no hospitals for the broken hearted

Just mental asylums

Because they know

That

No brain can function out of sync with its heartbeat

Ever since you left my heart has been beating out of rhythm

Because they know

That

If it's truly broken then your heart is Shattered in pieces

The veins that connect it to your brain are destroyed

My heart no longer speaks to my brain

Everything is disconnected

My body doesn't know what to feel or how to act

There are no hospitals for the broken hearted 

Just mental asylums 

Because 

They know you must be seeking a safe place for your brain to hide 

If your heart suffered that much damage

Abide with me

Abide with me, fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens Lord, with me abide
When other helpers fail and comforts flee
Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day
Earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away
Change and decay in all around I see
O Thou who changest not, abide with me

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness
Where is death's sting?
Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee
In life, in death, o Lord, abide with me
Abide with me, abide with me

Today I want to die.

On the ever elusive expiry date that love comes sealed in

I suspect that true love has nothing to do with men and women.

I suspect that true love has everything to do with with God and self and that the result of this

Is opening our eyes to the blessing that love is when it is shared

No matter how brief

As long as it is true

I suspect that appreciating love does not mean forcing it to stay

Because sometimes love needs to be brief in order to be true.

I suspect that love has nothing to do with ownership but everything to do with freedom of movement and freedom of being

Of shifting
Of growing
Of evolving

Of hacking away at things that keep us slow to our potential
That keep us at our worst
That keep us stagnant and lazy

I suspect
True love
Is all we do
To grow into

Holiness.

Messages to the fallen (2018)

Lee!
We were young. You were too young. You dont belong on this list big I can never leave you out because I still bleed for you.

Carole
I'm still baffled about all the things I wanted to say that I never got to say. I hold you so close, I'm never going to let a good friend slip by like that again. I'm sorry. I think about you all the time. I hope in the space of silence between us you had found love and that it was good to you.

Zithelo
I wish we could laugh about how complicated things got between us, and all for what? It was stupid. We were stupid. Remember sitting at res paging through the Bible trying to find verses to debate with your friends about? It was so random. How we starved because we were broke but it was OK because we had humor. Without you I wouldn't have met one of the greatest loves I've ever known. Without you a whole world of things would've never been revealed to me. And you prospered while you were here despite your troubles. I never told you how proud I was of you and for that I am sorry.

Thembeka
I didn't know you too well but you were always sweet to me. Do you know that sometimes that's all it takes? I miss your smile and your giggles. Be at peace, angel.

Musa
Just yesterday we were sitting at the car wash talking mundane things about life. Just yesterday you were a big brother to me when you found me drunk with some friends in a not so friendly area and you offered me a lift home and you kept an eye on me. Just yesterday my brother was shouting your name across the fence so you could come out and talk to him. It's weird how things change in the blink of an eye.

Aunt Za
Do you know that dad had a stroke the same week you left? He was too shaken and I know why. Nobody laughs as heartily as you. Nobody has fun the way you knew how to. Nobody can be as genuine as you were and throw deuces to the things that hurt with the boldness that you did. Nobody will listen with the intent of caring and comforting and non judgment the way that you did. The babies still need your tough hand. But you have shown them the direction and you have set the pace. We thank you.

Khanyo
Mkantshi! I was hoping you would be Oprah one day. It was your calling. I still don't know how or why. It was never your time. Remember that time we sat talking about Aunt N and her drinking habit and laughing at the efforts she made to hide it when everyone already knew. And the time you told me about boys and I didn't believe you? Remember how you taught me to fight bad dreams the way grandma taught you? And then your first baby boy. You were such a natural mom. I'm sorry.

2018 showed me flames. Soon I will become the fire.

Siphiwe-- The gift we are given

On the day do your funeral I was besides myself with grief. I'm not sure if it was for you or for me.

I sat at the church holding in a lot of envy for you. I wanted to trade places. I still envy you. It took everything inside me to walk and nod at my sisters enquisition to my being ok, and not fall apart.

I hate hymns. I hate them because they are not for me. I hate them because I can't utter a sound for you or me or anyone else without breaking, voice first and then a flood of myself pouring out in front of me so that it feels like the world is watching and I'm embarrassing myself. I hate not being able to contain myself.

I don't know where the me I knew went. She seems like a ghost hanging over the stratosphere begging me to off myself so I can join her.

I look at your life and wish that I had known you a little more, spent a little more time watching you live so lively like you did, fighting till the very end. You were indeed a gift but not only to your mother or your family. You were a gift to me to.

The last time we met I had Azola in my belly. It was early days of my pregnancy and you didn't even know. Most people didn't. I know you wanted to meet her. It's hard to believe you're gone. Every time I go on Instagram it feels like I'm going to find your comments on my pictures and I'm going to peruse through your adventures and admire you for your sense of adventure and zest for everything the lord has made.

The lord made You and I am grateful for that. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss how carefree you were and I miss your beauty.

I love you forever Nkule.

Om shanti

it was an awakening experience
I didn't pray to shanti
but I wanted to
deep down  I felt it all surfacing
there was only three of us in the room but by the end I was so ready to release my tears
yet I held back because
I dont like hysteria
it was going that direction
I never knew I could carry pain so deeply inside me
physically
it's so crippling
I choked them back and tried to keep a firm face
om shanti she said we should repeat
I was silent
yet
everything in me wanted to release
to shanti
to Jehovah
to whomever would take it away from me
all of this now that I had discovered lived deep within
pain pain pain and  more pain
anxious me
trying to get rid of pain but afraid of being judged for it
for the method
for Om
take it then.
it's still here.